Devastation Part 4
The breadth and depth of devastation for the family and those falsely accused of serious sexual misconduct with a child who are then denied the right to a considered defence for 18 months.
By Pippa
This is the fourth article in this series which began with my sharing how my family and I are remaining strong in the Lord. The second article explained why we continue this quest and began the story of the “nightmare” which has lasted for over two years now. The third article took us through to the end of the first three months and from there, I continue …
STOP PRESS!
I must pause at this point to say that we have recently had a number of worthwhile discussions with one very significant person within the Sydney Anglican Church diocese and we are waiting to see what impact this will have on the situation and therefore our perception of the Diocese. This is the first time anyone from the Diocese has listened. Please pray these discussions will bear fruit.
SO WHY DO I CONTINUE TO POST THESE DEVASTATION ARTICLES?
- Complainant 1 still wants Drew to have consequences for his actions. Perhaps with this clarification of our situation, Complainant 1 might agree with us that Drew has received more than his fair share of consequences already.
- Our complaint against Mr Bryant has still not been investigated, sixteen months after it was submitted.
We believe that the Diocese does not actually have any procedures in place to deal with a complaint against the Director PSU. This is unfathomable and must be amended.
I still cannot conceive that a church worker who
- acted with the best of intentions,
- apologised immediately when his co-worker expressed discomfort with his actions,
- had never read Faithfulness in Service (2004) nor the Discipline Ordinance (2006) because they had not been produced when the “offending” actions occurred and yet
- from 1998 wrote and taught diligently to his youth leaders, a Code of Conduct which included provisions for his conduct to be reported to the senior minister and no reports ever occurred,
- has not been charged with sexual abuse or grooming behaviour before the Tribunal,
- has complained of being misrepresented and denied procedural fairness by the PSU to the Archbishop and the Safe Ministry Board,
should continue for over two years to be hounded and treated and labelled as a child sexual abuser
WHILE …
The Director of a Church professional standards unit who
- failed to follow the very ordinance that governs his mandate, that sat on the table in front of him as he misrepresented the situation in a meeting he should never have had, since he believed he had no jurisdiction over the man to whom he was talking,
- has for over two years never apologised for the many offences that the man has pointed out to him and the Church’s Safe Ministry Board (who have refused to do anything in response to the arguments made in an official complaint against the Director PSU to them)
should continue in his position as Director PSU.
We are now waiting for the Church to work out how to process our complaint which will be updated and resubmitted soon.
Fearful and Anxious – the Nightmare takes over
Finding a church home
Can you imagine, one moment being at the centre of a church community as a respected leader and feeling happy and confident to visit other churches, then finding church the most uncomfortable, fearful place you visited in your week? It takes courage to go looking for a new church home at the best of times. It took every last ounce of effort for us to walk through the doors of any church. Drew, of course, just laid low and I took all four children to find their kids’ classes at the new churches we were exploring.
At one church, as I took my 3 year old to crèche and stayed to help him settle, there was a toddler who was missing his mummy. The leaders were inundated with littlies that day and as I rubbed the poor mite’s back (crouching side on and not too close) and his shorts kept slipping down, I almost shook with fear as I pulled them back up so that he would not trip over, wondering if I was doing the right thing. Irrational …? Perhaps, but we lived in fear that we might once again unknowingly commit an offense!
After the second meeting, we heard nothing from the PSU for three months about whether they had contacted the church of our choice. We had numerous friends there and the kids kept begging us to go, so initially we did as Mr Barnet (another PSU director) had suggested at that first meeting and went “undercover”. Can you imagine how I felt just writing down our surname on the information sheets for kids’ church? When I attended a church information evening, I excused myself before I handed in any details. This is so unlike me and I hated the deception and fear. We were not free to gather with God’s family any more.
In the last two years Drew has humbly served coffees after church, as this is the only form of ministry possible for him while this situation persists. What a waste of his God-given abilities!
Daily life and work
Going out into public was almost unbearable because of the fear of meeting anyone who might know us and the issue. I have never had panic attacks nor needed medication for depression or the like. But simply to walk through the supermarket and do the shopping, took enormous effort. Telling myself to breathe deeply and just keep going, kept at bay the uncontrollable shaking that threatened to take over my body. I didn’t make eye contact with anyone and I didn’t smile. I have always been known for exactly the opposite. This lasted for months as did the mild nausea and tight chest that plagued me each day.
That was my experience. You can only imagine how much worse it was for Drew. I cannot fathom how he mustered the courage and energy to look for work at this time. He went through four jobs in one year.
Securing work was a difficult task for multiple reasons. Work is hard to come by in our area and of course he could no longer work in the profession to which he had committed himself for almost twenty years. Drew’s state of mind did not make it easy either. His first job as a waiter in a restaurant ended after five weeks. Other restaurants were also laying off staff at the end of the high season. So unable to work in hospitality, Drew took up a position as the gardener on a property. At least here, he didn’t have to talk to anyone and the work was physical – swinging an axe or pick was good “therapy” at times. He then secured a supervising job at another restaurant but discovered that the management was the worst he has ever experienced and was stuck receiving the abusive emails written to all the staff for 9 months. Finally, he was given the chance to work just around the corner for a wonderful management and has spent over a year there. However, initially, to get enough shifts, he ran meals at an RSL club as well. Even as manager now, Drew is on his feet for up to 12 hours a day and he earns just over half the wage he received as a youth minister. Only with the support from Centrelink do we make ends meet.
As we cannot afford a second car, Drew bought a motorbike from his niece as she was selling hers. He used this to get to the RSL Club. One day he was offered an extra shift. However, the road was slightly wet as it had been raining and I needed the car to transport the kids. Feeling the pressure of mounting bills, Drew decided to ride slowly to work but the bike slipped on a wet white arrow painted on the road and he slammed to the ground. His collarbone was smashed into three pieces and surgery was necessary to restore it using a plate. For six weeks he was not able to carry or lift things nor accept the position of manager that had just been offered.
Additionally, I have not been able to work much at all because I have spent 15 hours a week on average writing documents for this situation. Financially it has been very difficult as a result. The article that was posted in January 2015 describing the financial support offered to us by the diocese, revealed that our legal fees so far are around $50,000. However, this is only for the Drew’s defence against the accusations of the 2 complainants. The potential costs for all the time spent on trying to get the PSU to do the right thing, (if Louise was to ever calculate and charge for her time which she does not because she does this for the Lord) and we were to pay our solicitor back for these extra costs, would be close to $100,000 extra!
God’s timing and provision is perfect but it has been a long haul.
Finding a place to live
It had taken weeks to work out where we should attempt to settle and I knew that I was in no state to continue home schooling. We desperately sought accommodation in the same area as Drew’s first job, only securing it on the first day of school. We moved in, ten days later, on the day the first job ended! Our children did not attend the first three days of school and then in the second week, we travelled an hour each way, each day.
We had asked a former friend from the parish where Drew had worked, whether we could borrow their holiday home for this week as it was near the school. We were informed that it was being used and that even if it had been available, we would not have been allowed access to it, “under the circumstances”. While I understand that the announcement at the church caused great pain and anger, division and confusion amongst the congregation, I could not believe that my former friend would not support the children and me. What crime had we committed to be treated like this? This was one of a few times that my children have witnessed their mother dissolve into uncontrollable weeping. I cannot remember another time in my life when I have felt such unbearable relational pain.
We knew God was in control but this was completely uncharted territory in every way. It was like entering a foreign land and feeling totally unprepared for it. We clung to our great and loving God and to each other but pain and grief must be recognised and felt.
Voiceless and Powerless – the Nightmare continues
We very quickly realised that now we were asking questions, the PSU Directors had “changed their tune”. In the five months it took to write my report and search for the right person to help us navigate the situation, we felt utterly voiceless and powerless.
When you have placed your trust in a Christian church hierarchy only to experience in return bullying, lies and the destruction of your reputation and hence livelihood, it rocks your ability to trust anyone. We didn’t know to whom we could turn.
We also didn’t know who of our former friends knew about the complaints, what version of the story they had heard nor their position on the situation. When parishioners are told something by their Church professional standards unit, they generally believe it. They have to. The thought that a professional standards unit could be wrong or unethical is unthinkable. It destroys the foundation of trust in the institution to which they have committed themselves in order to develop and grow in their faith.
I don’t know how Drew got up each day during this time, but he did, putting on a brave face for his family. Drew is one of those “go with the flow, work well under pressure, not easily ruffled” kind of people. He was able to cover an amount of his brokenness until I had to ask a question in order to write the report. This undid him every time which is partly why it took so long to write.
Once the report was written it was extraordinarily difficult to work out to whom we should show it. No solicitor is trained at law school in “Ecclesiastical law”. It’s a phenomenon all of its own, that potentially only solicitors of the Diocese would understand. Added to this was the dilemma that all the lawyers we knew personally were members of the parish or diocese in which Drew had been misrepresented.
We also didn’t want a less experienced lawyer just jumping in and doing what they are trained to do – attack to win. We wanted to follow Matthew 18:15-17. Since approaching our brothers on our own had failed, we now needed to take a Christian brother or sister with us, someone who could understand and articulate the situation better than us. We had to get the right help.
Building new relationships – in the nightmare
Meanwhile, we had to press forward each day for the sake of the kids. I had to help them get used to school again or settle in for the first time. We were in a new home, new suburb, new school, new church. That’s daunting at the best of times. It’s outright scary when you just want to run away and hide.
I needed friends too. As we travelled around Australia, I had always looked for “sisters” with whom I could share fellowship in the places we stayed for a few months. This was an utterly daunting thought at our new church. Initially, as we went “undercover”, we just wanted to get in and out as fast as we could.
And what do you say to a person as you are getting to know them when you are in our situation. Trying to be honest while avoiding any specifics related to our past life …
“So where did you move from?”
“Sydney.” (Nice and vague)
“Whereabouts?”
“Inner west.” (Don’t ask me where or which church! Quick, change direction…)
“So your husband’s a chef? (natural assumption for a mid-forty year old working in a restaurant)
“Ah … no, just a waiter at the moment.” (with two Bachelor degrees that have nothing to do with the hospitality industry)
“We decided to have a sea change.”
“So what did you do before?”
(Oh no!) “Um ………. Drew worked with youth.”
“Oh … who was that with?”
“Um … a few different groups.” (Quick think) “After almost twenty years of working with youth, we decided four of our own “youth” was enough and so here we are….”
“I noticed your son’s names … did you work for a church?” (Freak Out!)
Praise God, this last question was only asked by a wonderful woman who is now my dear friend and prayer partner. God is incredibly gracious and his provision is amazing!
Trying to avoid talking about 13 years of my life (almost 20 of Drew’s) which includes all the years during which our children were born is horribly difficult. I hate living in a way that I feel is deceptive. Of course, we all pick and choose what we share about ourselves. But in the beginning when I was just holding it together, running late regularly, forgetting stuff and not putting my hand up for anything (all very abnormal for me) because of the strain and effort caused by the situation and I couldn’t share it with the majority of people I met, it was enormously challenging and humbling.
On a daily basis we still experience pain over relational losses. For example, when people’s names come up on Facebook: “Do you know …….” I mourn the broken relationships with people with whom we shared fellowship for so many years. Many have never contacted us, even after we reached out to share our story with them at the beginning of 2013. The massive amount of reconciliation that we would love to experience but will never be able to attempt, is beyond contemplating.
And then there are the times when we come face to face with people from our former parish. We don’t know what they know or where they stand? We don’t know whether to approach them or ignore them. My heart usually starts beating double time. Having settled into a church now, my friends watched in amazement one day as their confident, smiling friend was suddenly gripped by distress and wariness as former friends walked through the foyer to the next service at our current church.
My husband is amazing! Over the last year, he has been able to make the decision to just walk up and warmly greet our former parishioners when we see them just as he always did before. He now stands firm in his knowledge of the truth. I praise God for each small step of recovery in my husband.
Pippa 24 March 2015